i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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