get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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