i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
