yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
