my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
