Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
