Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
