I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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