who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
