Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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