I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
