I wish I could teleport
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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