no, he came in my armpit
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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