3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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