You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
