you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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