Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
