I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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