I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
