well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
