A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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