508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
