so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
