We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
