So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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