i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
