My nipple is on Facebook.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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