Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
