He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
