Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
