I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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