there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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