Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
