bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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