I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
