we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
