It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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