i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
