i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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