Need sex. Gaining weight.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
