I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
