Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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