I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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