I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I love you. Go after that dick
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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