I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
