they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
ttyl tear gas
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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