My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
