I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
