last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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