I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
