btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
