remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Drunk is not a location!
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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